Eighteen hours post-chemo

I received my first chemo treatment eighteen hours ago and so far so good. I've had a mild headache, but it's quite possible that it's from having my hair in a ponytail for too long.  (only me, right?)

The medication that I am being treated with is called "Navelbine." Many patients refer to it with a chuckle as "Navy Beans." Nausea is a common side-effect, but I was given medicine though my IV to prevent it and it worked like a charm!

I do have some vein discoloration in my arm where the Navelbine was injected. It doesn't hurt, but there is a definite reddish tint to my vein rather than it's normal bluish-purple color.  Navelbine is a vesicant which means it is a chemical that causes extensive tissue damage and blistering if it escapes from the vein.  I think I just have normal discoloration, but it is something I'll have to keep an eye on. I'm very hopeful that it doesn't worsen. 

Navelbine is somewhat unique among chemotherapy drugs. Many chemotherapy drugs are completely synthetic, but Navelbine is only partially synthetic and is extracted from the periwinkle flower. I think I'll visualize this pretty little purple flower during treatment next week. 

Navelbine prevents cells from dividing by fusing with the microtubules inside a cell's cytoplasm. Remember mitosis and meiosis from biology class?  Because Navelbine prevents normal cell division, it can both slow the spread of cancers and kill existing cancer cells.  I'll take both options, please!?!  

 

 

Determined ...and a little bit stubborn!

Are any of you are familiar with the Kübler-Ross model for the "five stages of grief?"  The theory is that when a person faces the reality of an extreme or terrible fate, she will experience a series of five emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I can honestly say that I have experienced all of these stages over the past two weeks.  ...and to be completely honest, I have probably spent more time in the "anger" stage than I should have.  (sorry honey)

 

After coming to the end of my rope time and time again, I propose that we must move past Kübler-Ross's five stages and enter a sixth phase  .....a phase of DETERMINATION!  

 

• Determination to be realistic rather than live in denial. By realistic, I don't mean relying upon statistics.  (By the way, I told my doctor four years ago that I didn't want to hear statistics and she hasn't given me a single one yet.)   I'm talking about being "real."   ... showing myself for what I truly am - a hot mess of brokenness.   Thankfully, as a follower of Christ, I know that He doesn't see me that way.   My reality is that in Christ, I am a new creation - perfect and complete!   (II Corinthians 5:17) 

• Determination to not let anger overcome me. (Boy, I need a lot of help with this one.) Anger that crashes over me like a storm surge topping out at thirty feet above sea level. Anger that causes me to come unglued and completely blow things out of proportion. Anger that blinds me to the truth.  Every time I hear the saying "it's not what happens to you that matters, it's how you react to it," I want to jump up and scream "BUT IT DOES MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO ME!"  I want to yell, and pound my fists, and smash things, and maybe even kick my feet just a little bit. Yes, anger is a very slippery slope for me. Perhaps we can work on this one together?

• Determination to not get caught up in bargaining with God. You know how the prayer goes ... "Lord, if you just do this one thing for me, I promise to be a better person."  Really? Do I really expect God to haggle with little 'ole me when he has already paid the ultimate price? 

• Determination to be wary of depression and the damage it can cause to my health.   The web address of this blog says it all - TODAY I CHOOSE TO LAUGH!  

• Determined to not be satisfied with acceptance and passive resignation. It's all to easy to be like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Poo and mutter "Oh bother. End of the Road. Nothing to do, and no hope of things getting better."  It can't just end with acceptance, there has to be more to it than that!!

I AM DETERMINED!  (...and just a little bit stubborn)

Gratitude changes everything...

Today didn't turn out quite as we expected. You'd think that I'd be used to that by now, but I'm not - not even a little bit.   The good news is that the radiation treatments seem to have worked and my hip is showing improvement!  (hmmmmmm..... does that warrant a new celebratory tattoo?)  The bad news is that there are some areas on my upper spine that clearly show progression.  The decision was pretty obvious - time to change meds ....again.  

For now, I seem to have reached the end of treating this disease hormonally and am venturing into the realm of more traditional chemotherapy.  We have decided on a drug called "Navelbine" as my next treatment.  This is a very mild chemotherapy treatment that will hopefully knock these nasty cells out enough so I can go off all medications for a while.  We expect very minimal side-effects. Fatigue and a low white blood cell count are the two most common side-effects, both of which I have experienced before.  

The drug will be administered through an IV line.  The infusion takes about two hours and I will have one treatment a week for three or four weeks followed by a week or two off to recuperate.   I will have to have blood tests before each treatment to make sure that my white blood cell count doesn't drop too low.  Our goal is to get through two complete cycles (6-8 treatments) and then we will scan to see if it is working.  If it works, I'll go through one or two more cycles and then be off ALL medications for as long as there is no evidence of progression.  I have been on medication for four years, so the possibility of being off of them makes me almost giddy with excitement.

Today was full of bad news, good news, bad news, good news.... I've lost track of the score, so it really boils down to this thought:  Today's scan was MUCH better than it was 18 months ago and that scan was MUCH better than it was four years ago and even though today seems like a step backwards, I'm still ahead of where I started!